Procrastination as Writer's Block

I committed myself to write 5 chapters every month from January to June for my debut novel 'Merla'. In February, I fell behind. I got busy structuring my days around different tasks. Writing fell to the side, and once I lost control, I found my willpower diminishing.

I have struggled with procrastination for most of my life. I tend to put things off until the last moment. Partly because I often experience executive dysfunction, and due to that, I also work best under pressure because that's the only time I feel the drive to work.

The problem with that structure is that when I have personal goals, there is no firm deadline. I won't receive a failing grade, and I won't let down my coworkers. The only person I let down is myself. The ideas I've been sitting with to help rectify this come in two-fold: the internal and the external.

Let's start with the external. When I let myself focus on the other tasks that came up in my life, other things fell to the wayside. Clutter built up in my room. I only did the necessities of hygiene, ignoring the pampering and self-care I enjoy. My sleep schedule was wrecked. All of these things reflected my environment.

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The environment that I have created around myself made it hard to start writing. When starting is hard, the rest falls apart. Our brains have evolved to crave ease. We want to do the thing that will bring us the most joy, safety and comfort the fastest (usually mindless scrolling on TikTok). Our animalistic brains focus on day-to-day survival rather than long-term goals. When the things I want to do feel like a threat to my brain's comfort, it resists getting started. So I've been finding things in my environment that help me get started. I keep my space clean. I put on good music and practice focused meditation before I begin to write. And shifting my environment to one that is conducive to getting started helps immensely.

But it does not end there. As I mentioned, there is an internal aspect. Like I said, the brain looks for ease. So when it comes to mindset, overcoming writer's block is a battlefield. For me, my writer's block is tied to procrastination, and while it seems like an illness, it is a symptom of something very hard to confront.

Ultimately, I am filled with fear. I am afraid of failure, inadequacy and anything less than perfection. I'd rather not try at all than try and fail. I sit in the discomfort and dissatisfaction of not reaching my goals because it is easier to sit with the guilt of not starting than the pain of failure.

And the worst part of that is that I know I can write. I know that my first draft is rough, and I can rip it to bits in my edits later. I know these things logically, but the fear is irrational. I know that once I start writing, I won't stop because I am so in love with writing that it hurts not to. And yet I procrastinate.

That is because I have internalised procrastination as a moral failure. It became a shortcoming that I felt was inherent to my personality. I ended up in a cage of my own making in a cycle where I'd procrastinate, feel guilt and then, because I felt like I'd failed, I'd lack the motivation to get started and break the cycle.

If you were to ask me if I have high self-esteem, I would say yes, partly because of my pride. In actuality, it might be more fair to say I have moderate self-esteem. I have no problem asserting myself in social situations, and I love my body, but I don't have enough confidence to take on the challenges I know will be edifying in the long run. I have to develop more love for my future self. I have to distance myself from thoughts that associate procrastination with laziness.

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For me, that will start with adding better structures to my life. I crave routine, but not the boring, inflexible kind that I've come to associate with routine. Rather, I need to take control of my life and remember who I am as a daily practice. I want the structure of going to the gym daily, eating healthy foods, taking care of my work and investing in my hobbies, like writing.

I have no interest in the hyper-productive lifestyles we see on social media where a mom of 7 wakes up at 5 am, goes to the gym, gets home, packs a different lunch for each kid before journaling, then gets to work selling some course. That's unrealistic (and I bet they're lying about that schedule anyway). I want to find a healthy balance where I maximise what I can do in a day.

Most of all, I don't want to feel guilty when I sometimes fail. I want to get back on the horse as quickly as possible and keep the ball rolling.

This will be a lifelong pursuit. But like anything, it has to start somewhere. And there's no better time or place to fight procrastination and writer's block than right here and now.

If you struggle with procrastination yourself, here's a helpful article from Psychology Today.